As my depression lifted, I started taking on chores around the house. My Mom got a parttime job at a motel, cleaning rooms. I wasn't well enough to work outside the home, but I managed to keep the house tidy, the clothes washed, and making meals. As time went on, I told my Mom that I thought I'd feel better if I was working outside the house, so she talked to her boss and her boss hired me to do the same thing Mom was doing. I had 16 rooms to clean every day, and even though it was really hard physical work, it wasn't something you had to think about in depth. I had to change beds, clean bathrooms, defrost refrigerators, clean stoves, dust, vaccum and put out new towels, cups, and coffee. At the end of the day, we all took our carts back to the laundry room and washed all the glasses and put them in clean paper wrappers. All the dirty linen had to be bagged up and made ready for the laundry people to pick up. Then we had to load up our carts for the next day, and we could go home after we turned in the keys. Sometimes Mom and I would go to the bread outlet not far from the motel, and we'd buy bread, rolls, and occasionally a pie to eat on the way home.
It was hard, backbreaking work, but I was young and I felt better getting out and meeting people. It was nice to be back in reality.
I worked there for a while, and then I got tired of it and started looking for baby-sitting jobs. I started looking at the want ads in the paper and found a job not far away taking care of 2 little girls and an 8 hear old boy named Jack. The girls names were Dawn, 4 years old, and Penny, 2 years old. I went to see them and they had a nice home, a double wide trailer like ours, and they had a play room built on where all the kids toys were and where they could play safely without me having to keep an eagle eye on them, but I watched them anyway. Dawn had problems not being the baby anymore. She was withdrawn and too quiet for a 4 year old, but she was very sweet and loving. Penny was sweet and cuddly with blonde curls. Jack was a handful. He tried my patience one day by kicking his bedroom door from the inside of his bedroom, and I got a ruler out and spanked him for it. That evening he told his Mom, "If something happens to you and daddy, Mom, Bonnie can take care of us!". When his Mom told me the next day, I asked if that was my walking papers? She just laughed and said no, but I don't imagine it made her feel very good. I did a few dishes every morning and wiped off the table and vaccumed the dining room and living room. I spent most of my time with the kids, taking them to the playground, and fixing their food. They were good kids and I got paid fairly well for a job where I didn't have to work so hard. Mom quit her job too and just stayed home taking care of her own things.
Later on, the people I worked for decided to move up the coast and wanted me to go with them since the kids loved me so much. They said I could have free room and board and they'd pay me and I'd have evenings and weekends off. I didn't want to go though so I left them and found myself another job taking care of 2 little Arab boys and their grandmother. The littlest boy was only 2 and his name was Omar. His older brother was 7 or 8 and his name was Mohammed Dean. The Grandma was in her late 60's and she reminded me a lot of my Grandma Annie. Her hair was white, and she had blue eyes and was very sweet and friendly. She laid on the couch a lot and we got along just fine. Omar was so beautiful. He had dark skin, black hair and brown eyes and was a really sweet and lovable little boy. Their Dad was Arab and their Mom was white. The Mom was pregnant and worked at a bank. I don't know what their Dad did but I saw very little of him.
Sometimes I'd take Omar walking down to the shopping center. We would have lunch at the T.G.&Y. store and I'd buy him blue jeans and tennis shoes and cute hats and things. We had so much fun together. Dean would come home from school around 2:30 and I'd fix food for all of us. Everynight I had to sneak off from Omar because he would start crying and wanting to go with me.
But that job, even though I loved Omar, wasn't leading anywhere. I applied for a government test as a clerk/steno which means a typist who can take shorthand,
and after the test I was scheduled for an interview. So I quit babysitting, and in January of 1968 I started working at Naval Air Station North Island where your Grandpa works now. I was thrilled to have my own desk, typewriter and access to a coffee machine! Ha Ha. I typed naval messages and speedletters and mailed out status cards and all kinds of things that would just bore you, so I'll spare you all the details. Later on, I was in a car wreck and had a really bad whip lash. The night of the wreck, my neck got so stiff I had to take my hands and put them behind my head and pull myself up to a sitting position. The girl that hit us wasn't hurt, but she had been putting on her makeup and wasn't even looking to see what was right in front of her. We were stopped at a red light and she hit us at about 40 miles an hour. The impact threw us out into the intersection and we almost got hit again. They didn't give her a ticket or anything, so I got a lawyer and sued them. The bad part was that the clinic they sent me to for therapy for my whiplash was the same clinic the girls mom worked at and they didn't treat me very well. I had to wear a neck-brace for quite a while and had to take soma compound to relax the muscles in my neck and shoulders.
I went back to work after a couple of days even though I didn't feel very well. I got $3,500.00 for the suit that I won. The car we got hit in was my brothers car, even though I had co-signed for it. So I split the money with him, so he could get his car fixed. I took the rest and put it in the bank. Later on, after he had spent all his money on drugs or whatever he was into, I still had mine. He wanted mine too! I told him no, even though my mom was pressuring me to give him even more money! I took my money and put it down on a brand new car of my own. Then I didn't have to get up a 4:30 to take the bus to work every day. It was a Chevy Nova, light yellow, and was a great little car. I loved it! I would spend my Saturdays washing and waxing my new car out in the driveway and drinking cold Pepsi's. It was great. I had my own money, my own car, my independence and the freedom to go wherever, whenever and I was becoming an adult finally.
My Dad left the picture, and left Mom with no job, no money and all the bills to pay. One night I heard her crying, and I got up out of bed and went to comfort her. She looked so pitiful sitting all alone at the table with a pile of bills in front of her. Back in those days, if you owed people money and didn't pay them, they could come to your house and demand you pay them, and we even had them trying to pound the door down. One day at work, I felt so bad I told my boss I had to leave. I went home, and laid down after telling my Mom that they gave us some time off because they were painting the building and putting down new carpet. That wasn't true, but I was getting sick. Sicker than I'd ever been.
Finally, after 3 days, my boss called my Mom and told her that what I had told her wasn't true. He told her I'd been acting strange and that she should take me to a doctor. So they tried to fool me, and told me that they were taking me shopping. They took me to my Grandma's doctor, and after a few minutes with me, he gave them the name of a good psychiatrist. They took me there, and I had a conversation with a Doctor Funk. He called my Mom in after he talked to me, and he had me wait in the waiting room. Then he called me back in and told me I was mentally ill. All I did was look down at the floor. He gave me medicine to take and said he wanted to see me again on Monday. So we got the medicine perscription filled and went home. I took one of the pills, and went outside to sit in the yard. After about 30 minutes, the medicine took effect and I almost fell out of my chair. My brother David came and grabbed me to keep me from falling and he carried me in the house and I fell asleep in my bedroom. I hadn't been able to sleep for 2 weeks. So the next morning I was doing much better. The circles under my eyes were less, and I was able to sit down long enough to eat breakfast. I had been running around all day and night driving places and not sleeping or eating.
I don't know how I survived. He told me also that he wanted me to stay home from work for an undetermined time, until I felt better. My boss came by with my first check, and to get a statement from my doctor telling him what my problem was. I found the paper, and it said I had Schizophrenia. It's a word I learned to be afraid of. I was afraid of myself already anyway, but when I read that I was really afraid of me! As I got better after about a month, I drove to the Library and started reading all kinds of books about it, and finding out there were different types. I was trying to figure it out and get rid of that fear that I had. I don't want you to be afraid of me. More than anything I need your love and understanding. I am not simple minded. I have limitations that make me different from you, but you don't have to be afraid of Grandma or think I might ever hurt you in any way. I don't want to keep things hidden from you because this also ties in to my relationship with Jesus and God the Father, and how they have helped me over the years. He has always been there supporting me, even when my Mom died. Your grandpa has always loved me, and supported me and even when I am sick, he takes care of me. He never left me even though it was difficult to stay. Hopefully you will never see me that way. I never want you to see this disease. That's why Grandma takes medication. It has been very hard to get well. Once, I stopped my medicine because I thought I didn't need it anymore. Then I got really ill and had to go in the hospital. But I was only there 8 days and then I signed myself out and walked home.
This has been a very hard cross to bear. I want you to hear this from me and to know that I take every precaution I can to never let this happen again. I always take my meds, and if I reduce them for some reason, I always tell someone. I am careful with my meds. I take them every day and I am responsible for my mental health and well being by praying, meditating, reading, and sticking to my beliefs. I share a wonderful experience with your Grandpa. Something he has shown me through the years. Someday you may want to read his books too, and make your own judgement. That's a long way off though. So for now, I will just tell you even though my beliefs and grandpa's beliefs are different, we respect each other's belief's and we are both very strong people. We each have so much love for one another and our family and all of you grandchildren. With every day we live, we love you even more.
I was out of work for about 6 months and even when my doctor asked me if I was ready to go back to work, I said no. But he said he didn't want me to give up and not try to function in society. I went back, but I couldn't think straight. I would sit at my desk and cry but they didn't bother me. I think they were afraid to say anything. They gave me easy things to do and were fairly tolerant of my behavior. I had to see my Doctor every 2 weeks at first. He was a good Doctor and even when I needed to be hospitalized, he paid for all my expenses because I didn't have any health insurance. He told me once that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself, and that made me mad. It made me so mad that I told myself
I'll show him! I decided I'd show him who was feeling sorry for themselves and I just got better and better. There are many was to help people with this disease and one of them is called psychotherapy. Another way is by hypnosis which he did for me and I took all the advice he gave me. I bought a book called "I'm OK
You're OK" and it helped me to find all my weak spots in my psyche, or way of thinking if that makes more sense to you. I did better and better.
Then, one day my Mom decided she'd go see my Dad in Seattle and she took my younger sister with her. My brother David didn't want to stay with me at home, so he went to stay at his girlfriends house. Her name was Barbara and she had a little girl named Larie that I adored. The little girl had long blonde hair and was about 4 years old. Anyway, I was at the house alone and I had borrowed $500.00 to pay off my car loan. One day at work, I thought to myself "I have to keep on working anyway an paying for all my bills, so I may as well enjoy this money!". So, one Friday night I went shopping and bought over $300.00 on clothes and another $40.00 on jewelry. Back then your money bought more and the products were better. I went to the Broadway Department Store and I bought all sorts of things I liked. Then I took myself out to dinner and had a great time even though I was alone! Then, while my Mom was gone and I had spent all my money, I decided I'd go find David and for some reason I had my grandmother with me. I drove to National City to find David, and went to Barbara's house. Her Dad answered the door and said that David and Barbara had gone to a party somewhere and he didn't know where it was. I decided to wait for David and sent my Grandma home in a cab.
I sort of got out of reality that night, and my brother eventually showed up and he and his friends took me to University Hospital. They put me in a room with a lot of other people with problems and left me there until I settled down. They watched me through a window in the door and eventually they took me back out of the room, gave my brother medication for me, and sent me on my way. My car was in the parking lot at the Broadway and I had left my keys in the ignition and the windows were down. I don't know how it didn't get stolen except that God was watching out for me. We went home and I took the medication and went to sleep. The next day David and I went to my Grandma's house and I went in her bedroom and laid down because the medication made me sleepy. I didn't know it but David had called Mom and Dad and told my Dad he neeed to come home because I had lost touch with reality and needed him.
The next thing I remember is waking up and seeing my Dad by my bedside and he hugged me. He had always been sort of afraid of me because I had such a bad temper, but I was no longer the same person. I was pitiful. I had lost so much in my life and it had made me very ill. All the moving and all the changes and having to start over every year or so was more than I could take and the fact that I had a chemical imbalance in my brain was no one's fault. At the time I blamed everyone else for my problems, because I was so mixed up. But now I know it wasn't anyone's fault. Not even mine. It's just a fact of life. There are a lot of people who have this disease. Currently there is no cure, but they have new medicines that keep the disease under control. I take 2 different types of medicine. One kind I have taken for over 20 years. The other one is fairly new and it helps me to sleep and to adjust to changes that happen in my life, just like everyone else. My medicines have been a part of my life since I was 22. I had been sick before that, extremely depressed, but no one took notice. That was when we lived in Minnesota and I was separated from my friends, my boyfriend, and my school and California in general. I had a very difficult time when I flew back to San Diego. Nothing was the same and I gradually couldn't remember being here before. Not even my Mom's house seemed familiar. It was one of the hardest things to happen in my life. My battle had just begun. But today I am doing fine, although now and then I have the urge to stop taking my meds because I think I am well. As I said, there is no known cure. The only way to win with this disease is to keep taking the medicine, and work really hard to solve your mental issues. That's what I do. I read a lot, pray, meditate, and deal with life on a daily basis just like everyone else. There are a lot worse things that could be in my life. I could be blind, homeless, have no family, be crippled or have cancer or multiple sclerosis or polio...the list goes on and on. I am a survivor and I have overcome my greatest enemy, myself.
I am determined to live long enough to see all of you grow up. No one knows when they will die, but I am trying to get healthy physically by losing weight and exercising. I can have an almost normal life by taking my meds and working diligently on my problems. I will live as long as God allows. This is the reason I talk so much about God to you. I have been at the bottom of a deep well and the only thing that helped me get out was God. He brought the right people, the right meds and gave me the stamina and determination I have to get well and enjoy my life. God is my best friend and He brought Grandpa and all of you into my life to love and nurture. He does the impossible. He does miracles, like me, and like Kris. Kris is a survivor too! He's a tough little character! He is so little, but he runs and falls and gets back up and brushes himself off. Watch him. He can be a great lesson for you. Start looking at life with understanding and gain wisdom and knowledge and insight. You are young and have so much to learn. Start learning today, and if you have any questions for me, I will try to answer them openly and honestly. Don't be afraid to ask questions. That's how you learn about the world and it's people.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
A Long Winter's Night
Hey kids, I know all of you read the last post, so I'll get on with it and continue the tale of the coldest place I've ever lived. We moved in as I said, and the next thing I did was sit down and write letters to my friends and boy friend. I thought to myself, if I keep in touch with everyone it won't be so bad. The neighbors were very snoopy, and watched us move in with binoculars. So I opened the blinds and curtains and my brother and I put on a show for them and danced and waved our fannies at them. I can just imagine how huffy that made them! They didn't like outsiders, but then I didn't like them either so that was fine with me!
The weather was humid and we had occasional bouts of rain during the rest of the summer. I got letters from my best friend, and finally my boyfriend wrote and told me he had gone on one of the cruise ships that went to Alaska as a bus-boy and got to see his Dad and Stepmom. Having heard from everyone, I felt better and began making life interesting for the snooty folks in Minnesota. One snowy day I put on my tights, my shorts and sweatshirt, and my coat over it and it looked for all the world like I didn't have anything on but tights and my coat! Then I went to one of the grocery stores, and as always, one of the clerks started following me around the store. He was at one end of the aisles and I was at the other. He was so busy watching me that he walked into a display of cans of soup. Cans went everywhere and I laughed and left the store. I was very conceited I guess, but I didn't mean to be. I had always been fat, and before we left Kodiak to come to the states I lost a lot of weight. Then my last year of high school, I was in California and I did a lot of walking because the weather was so great, and I lost more weight. In Minnesota, I danced the rest of it off, so I only weighed 125 lbs. and had my long hair, and all the girls in Minnesota wore their hair short and most of them were blonde. My hair was really dark brown with red and gold highlights.
So, anyway, I didn't make any friends while I was there, and soon the weather got really bad. The snow started in November and it was 55 degrees below zero before the winter ended. I got really sick with a bad sore throat, cough, congestion and aches and pains, but I refused to go to the doctor. Punishing my parents I guess. One night I was so depressed and miserable that I took a shower and then went outside without a coat. My hair was wet and my pores were open from the hot shower, but I guess I didn't realize that it was so cold all the germs were dead!!
Then, I was quite alone there and for a reason I didn't understand at the time, I got interested in reading the Bible, and all the sets of books from when I was in school. I found it helped me to fill the time and educate myself since I couldn't afford to go to college up there. There were no job opportunities either. The only industry that existed there was the paper-mill and I think everyone in town worked there. But all I could think about was turning 18 and going back to San Diego.
There were times when I was so depressed I didn't get dressed, or somdays didn't even get out of bed. I don't know how long I was like that, but when I'd look in the mirror, I didn't look like me to myself. I didn't know what that meant, but when I finally came out of the depression, all my white clothes in the closet had turned yellow, and a lot of my favorite dresses and outfits were in the closet floor. No one noticed though, and I stayed in my room most of the time and refused to even eat. I didn't know how sick I was, but it went away on it's own.
Then one night, I was sick again and my ribs hurt so much I thought I had pneumonia. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't eat or sleep and I actually prayed that God would let me die. My parents were fighting, my little brother was crying, and poor little Jan was hiding in the closet biting her fingernails. I actually couldn't take anymore pain and I just wanted to die. Some how I finally drifted off to sleep. The next morning, I felt different. I felt like someone else. I could breathe, and my ribs didn't hurt and I actually saw my parents through different eyes. I felt pity for them, but I knew I had to leave and follow this new inner knowing I had been given. I stopped hearing from my boyfriend in February, and by May when the snow had melted, I got money from my Mom and Grandmother and bought a ticket back to San Diego.
My parents took me to the airport in St. Paul, and I said goodbye to all of them, walked across to the plane and got onboard without even turning around. Then the airplane taxied to the runway and I was soon airborne and on my way home.
I didn't know what awaited me, but I didn't really care. I'd be home and I could handle anything as long as I was back in California. Or so I thought.
My friend Billie had talked to her Mom Pauline, and asked if I could stay with them. Pauline and I had always gotten along and she said I could stay as long as I helped Billie with the house work. I said no problem, and so they met me at the airport. When the plane was coming in to land, all the lights of San Diego turned on and I felt like it was a welcome home! I met up with Billie and her friend Ruth and Pauline, and then I picked up my luggage. I brought my stereo and my Beatle records and my clothes. I had so much luggage I had to pay an extra $65.00 just to bring it all. But we got everything in the trunk of the car and we were on our way to Paulines' house.
The next few days were a lot of fun. I had called my Mom the night I got there and she asked if I was happy now? I said I was very happy, so over the next few weeks she sent me money, not a lot, but enough to buy the necessities. Billie and I signed up at Southwestern to take some evening classes, and during the day, we'd clean if we needed to, visit friends, go for walks, sunbathe and just generaly hang out and have fun. Pauline decided to take a vacation and she took us to Reno, Nevada to visit some friends of hers and for them to gamble in the casinos. We came back through Lake Tahoe and down to San Diego. The trip was fun, but I really missed my family. More than I could have thought possible.
Billie and Ruth and a friend of theirs named Nelda were sort of wild and though I had lost weight and had had fun teasing the boys in Minnesota, I was so naiive. I wasn't prepared for the things that would happen and I certainly wasn't interested in any of the guys the girls would pick up when they went cruising in San Diego. One night they picked up 2 sailors and took them to their home. They all went in and I had to, or stay in the car. The guys poured them drinks, but told me they didn't put anything in mine because I wasn't like the other girls.
I didn't drink it anyway, and after about an hour, the other girls came staggering out of the back of the apartment, and were running for the door. I followed gladly and they all jumped in the car and took off. It was a bad enough experence for me that I never trusted them again and wouldn't go with them when they went out cruising.
My depression was coming back, and when we went up by my Mom's old house, it didn't even look slightly familiar to me. I was always the one the guys wanted to dance with, and Billie began to hate me. The girls had all gained weight while I was gone, and I had lost about 30 more lbs. Then, Billie's cousin Freddie who was a Marine stationed at Camp Pendleton just up the coast, started coming down to see her. Soon he started paying attention to me, and Billie had a crush on him even though he was her step-cousin. She really hated me for that even though I had told him I wasn't interested. I was already crazy about somone else even though I hadn't heard from him in so long. Then one night, I walked up to the pay phone at the end of the street with Billie and we called my boyfriends number to see if he might be there. He answered the phone and was so surprised that it was me. I told him I was here in San Diego and the conversation went ok. But I was really mad at him for not writing and I told him to write before I hung up.
A week passed and I got a letter. But it was very casual, like we were just friends. He had written to me that he loved me and begged me to come back to San Diego, and then the letters stopped coming. I was really worried and spent months trying to locate him. I should have stayed in Minnesota until I heard from him, but I loved him. I wanted to be in California anyway, but I came back for him. Just think. If I hadn't come back, I would never have met Grandpa and none of you would be here. Isn't that an odd feeling? Anyway, I wrote him another letter and told him he owed me an explanation. I was really mad, but I had sort of given up on hearing from him. Then, he told me in another letter that he was gay. I didn't believe him. But when I read the letter, I felt like someone had hit me over the head with a brick or something. I was already sick, and his letter on top of it was more than I could take. Grandma got very sick, but in the meanwhile, my Dad got his duty station changed to the USS Constellation which is a carrier ship that carries airplanes when they go out to sea.
My parents decided to move back to San Diego and back into the house we had lived in before. Billie and Pauline had treated me so bad, that I packed all my things a week in advance of my parents coming back. The night they got there, I was already packed and I hurried and put all my things in the car and laid down on the backseat of the car and cried myself sick. Everything was ruined. Not only would I never see my boyfriend again, everyone that I thought were my friends turned against me. Little did I know at the time, but all the things I had read in the Bible gave me strength to deal with the rejection and being alone once again.
When my family finally came out of the house, we went to a motel for the night and I was so glad to be back with them. I hugged all of them, but I was really sick and couldn't really focus on anything. They had to find our furniture and get us all moved back into the house and my Dad had to do a few more months in Minnesota. After we were moved in, he left and it was just Mom and us kids. I really wasn't myself and for months I laid around the house just staring off into space. One day, I finally started feeling better. I actually went outside and helped them plant some trees. I had cut off all friendship with Billie and Pauline and all my phoney friends. I was alone, but I was ok and I knew I'd found something in Minnesota that helped me deal with everything I would face in the future. My Dad had been right in insisting that I go with them to Minnesota. I had found a force so great that I was able to overcome the pain and disappointment I would have to face when I left home and flew back to California.
This may be a little mature for you to understand. I apologize if you are confused, and I will answer any questions you may have. I will close for now, because the next post will tell you about my new life here in San Diego and all the things I was able to overcome. It all ties in to what I did in Kodiak when I accepted Christ as my personal Savior. It will make a beautiful gift from the rag- tag life my friends left me with. It will also show that there's a reason for all the things that happen. Even when we can't see why something happened, we learn to have faith in something greater than ourselves. I overcame a lot. But there would be more trials in the future and I will leave that for next time!
Love you so much,
Grandma
The weather was humid and we had occasional bouts of rain during the rest of the summer. I got letters from my best friend, and finally my boyfriend wrote and told me he had gone on one of the cruise ships that went to Alaska as a bus-boy and got to see his Dad and Stepmom. Having heard from everyone, I felt better and began making life interesting for the snooty folks in Minnesota. One snowy day I put on my tights, my shorts and sweatshirt, and my coat over it and it looked for all the world like I didn't have anything on but tights and my coat! Then I went to one of the grocery stores, and as always, one of the clerks started following me around the store. He was at one end of the aisles and I was at the other. He was so busy watching me that he walked into a display of cans of soup. Cans went everywhere and I laughed and left the store. I was very conceited I guess, but I didn't mean to be. I had always been fat, and before we left Kodiak to come to the states I lost a lot of weight. Then my last year of high school, I was in California and I did a lot of walking because the weather was so great, and I lost more weight. In Minnesota, I danced the rest of it off, so I only weighed 125 lbs. and had my long hair, and all the girls in Minnesota wore their hair short and most of them were blonde. My hair was really dark brown with red and gold highlights.
So, anyway, I didn't make any friends while I was there, and soon the weather got really bad. The snow started in November and it was 55 degrees below zero before the winter ended. I got really sick with a bad sore throat, cough, congestion and aches and pains, but I refused to go to the doctor. Punishing my parents I guess. One night I was so depressed and miserable that I took a shower and then went outside without a coat. My hair was wet and my pores were open from the hot shower, but I guess I didn't realize that it was so cold all the germs were dead!!
Then, I was quite alone there and for a reason I didn't understand at the time, I got interested in reading the Bible, and all the sets of books from when I was in school. I found it helped me to fill the time and educate myself since I couldn't afford to go to college up there. There were no job opportunities either. The only industry that existed there was the paper-mill and I think everyone in town worked there. But all I could think about was turning 18 and going back to San Diego.
There were times when I was so depressed I didn't get dressed, or somdays didn't even get out of bed. I don't know how long I was like that, but when I'd look in the mirror, I didn't look like me to myself. I didn't know what that meant, but when I finally came out of the depression, all my white clothes in the closet had turned yellow, and a lot of my favorite dresses and outfits were in the closet floor. No one noticed though, and I stayed in my room most of the time and refused to even eat. I didn't know how sick I was, but it went away on it's own.
Then one night, I was sick again and my ribs hurt so much I thought I had pneumonia. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't eat or sleep and I actually prayed that God would let me die. My parents were fighting, my little brother was crying, and poor little Jan was hiding in the closet biting her fingernails. I actually couldn't take anymore pain and I just wanted to die. Some how I finally drifted off to sleep. The next morning, I felt different. I felt like someone else. I could breathe, and my ribs didn't hurt and I actually saw my parents through different eyes. I felt pity for them, but I knew I had to leave and follow this new inner knowing I had been given. I stopped hearing from my boyfriend in February, and by May when the snow had melted, I got money from my Mom and Grandmother and bought a ticket back to San Diego.
My parents took me to the airport in St. Paul, and I said goodbye to all of them, walked across to the plane and got onboard without even turning around. Then the airplane taxied to the runway and I was soon airborne and on my way home.
I didn't know what awaited me, but I didn't really care. I'd be home and I could handle anything as long as I was back in California. Or so I thought.
My friend Billie had talked to her Mom Pauline, and asked if I could stay with them. Pauline and I had always gotten along and she said I could stay as long as I helped Billie with the house work. I said no problem, and so they met me at the airport. When the plane was coming in to land, all the lights of San Diego turned on and I felt like it was a welcome home! I met up with Billie and her friend Ruth and Pauline, and then I picked up my luggage. I brought my stereo and my Beatle records and my clothes. I had so much luggage I had to pay an extra $65.00 just to bring it all. But we got everything in the trunk of the car and we were on our way to Paulines' house.
The next few days were a lot of fun. I had called my Mom the night I got there and she asked if I was happy now? I said I was very happy, so over the next few weeks she sent me money, not a lot, but enough to buy the necessities. Billie and I signed up at Southwestern to take some evening classes, and during the day, we'd clean if we needed to, visit friends, go for walks, sunbathe and just generaly hang out and have fun. Pauline decided to take a vacation and she took us to Reno, Nevada to visit some friends of hers and for them to gamble in the casinos. We came back through Lake Tahoe and down to San Diego. The trip was fun, but I really missed my family. More than I could have thought possible.
Billie and Ruth and a friend of theirs named Nelda were sort of wild and though I had lost weight and had had fun teasing the boys in Minnesota, I was so naiive. I wasn't prepared for the things that would happen and I certainly wasn't interested in any of the guys the girls would pick up when they went cruising in San Diego. One night they picked up 2 sailors and took them to their home. They all went in and I had to, or stay in the car. The guys poured them drinks, but told me they didn't put anything in mine because I wasn't like the other girls.
I didn't drink it anyway, and after about an hour, the other girls came staggering out of the back of the apartment, and were running for the door. I followed gladly and they all jumped in the car and took off. It was a bad enough experence for me that I never trusted them again and wouldn't go with them when they went out cruising.
My depression was coming back, and when we went up by my Mom's old house, it didn't even look slightly familiar to me. I was always the one the guys wanted to dance with, and Billie began to hate me. The girls had all gained weight while I was gone, and I had lost about 30 more lbs. Then, Billie's cousin Freddie who was a Marine stationed at Camp Pendleton just up the coast, started coming down to see her. Soon he started paying attention to me, and Billie had a crush on him even though he was her step-cousin. She really hated me for that even though I had told him I wasn't interested. I was already crazy about somone else even though I hadn't heard from him in so long. Then one night, I walked up to the pay phone at the end of the street with Billie and we called my boyfriends number to see if he might be there. He answered the phone and was so surprised that it was me. I told him I was here in San Diego and the conversation went ok. But I was really mad at him for not writing and I told him to write before I hung up.
A week passed and I got a letter. But it was very casual, like we were just friends. He had written to me that he loved me and begged me to come back to San Diego, and then the letters stopped coming. I was really worried and spent months trying to locate him. I should have stayed in Minnesota until I heard from him, but I loved him. I wanted to be in California anyway, but I came back for him. Just think. If I hadn't come back, I would never have met Grandpa and none of you would be here. Isn't that an odd feeling? Anyway, I wrote him another letter and told him he owed me an explanation. I was really mad, but I had sort of given up on hearing from him. Then, he told me in another letter that he was gay. I didn't believe him. But when I read the letter, I felt like someone had hit me over the head with a brick or something. I was already sick, and his letter on top of it was more than I could take. Grandma got very sick, but in the meanwhile, my Dad got his duty station changed to the USS Constellation which is a carrier ship that carries airplanes when they go out to sea.
My parents decided to move back to San Diego and back into the house we had lived in before. Billie and Pauline had treated me so bad, that I packed all my things a week in advance of my parents coming back. The night they got there, I was already packed and I hurried and put all my things in the car and laid down on the backseat of the car and cried myself sick. Everything was ruined. Not only would I never see my boyfriend again, everyone that I thought were my friends turned against me. Little did I know at the time, but all the things I had read in the Bible gave me strength to deal with the rejection and being alone once again.
When my family finally came out of the house, we went to a motel for the night and I was so glad to be back with them. I hugged all of them, but I was really sick and couldn't really focus on anything. They had to find our furniture and get us all moved back into the house and my Dad had to do a few more months in Minnesota. After we were moved in, he left and it was just Mom and us kids. I really wasn't myself and for months I laid around the house just staring off into space. One day, I finally started feeling better. I actually went outside and helped them plant some trees. I had cut off all friendship with Billie and Pauline and all my phoney friends. I was alone, but I was ok and I knew I'd found something in Minnesota that helped me deal with everything I would face in the future. My Dad had been right in insisting that I go with them to Minnesota. I had found a force so great that I was able to overcome the pain and disappointment I would have to face when I left home and flew back to California.
This may be a little mature for you to understand. I apologize if you are confused, and I will answer any questions you may have. I will close for now, because the next post will tell you about my new life here in San Diego and all the things I was able to overcome. It all ties in to what I did in Kodiak when I accepted Christ as my personal Savior. It will make a beautiful gift from the rag- tag life my friends left me with. It will also show that there's a reason for all the things that happen. Even when we can't see why something happened, we learn to have faith in something greater than ourselves. I overcame a lot. But there would be more trials in the future and I will leave that for next time!
Love you so much,
Grandma
Friday, July 1, 2011
A New Discovery-A New Purpose
Here I am again Grandkids. There's a lot to a persons life. Not just what we do on a daily basis, but what we think about and dream about. This time I am going to give you a little insight into who I have become after all my years on earth. I have decided to try to fill in some of the things I accidentally left out, but this is the way I am thinking today. When I lived in Kodiak, I went to church with my Grandma every Sunday, and was a member of an organization run by the Pastors wife called the Guild Girls. It was something to do, and we would meet every week on Friday evening, and whoever was in charge would bring the ingredients to make dinner for everyone. The meeting would be held in the churchs' recreation room. There was a piano there and often I would play hymns for everyone. We later on spent a week across the bay at Woody Island for Bible study. Everyday we would do something special for our secret pals, do some chores like helping out with serving breakfast, and cleaning up the dishes. We would pray together and spend some quiet time alone to read the Bible, study and pray.
When I was 12 years old, one Sunday morning the Sermon was about the friendship we could experience with Christ. When the pastor finished his Sermon, he always gave an invitation for anyone who wanted to, to accept Christ as their Savior. He asked if there was anyone there that day that wanted Jesus as their friend. To always be there for us, guide us, and be interested in our lives. My heart started pounding and I felt like I wanted to cry, and I thought about all the loneliness in my life, and how miserable my situation at home was. I decided that if anyone needed a true friend, it was me. So I walked and practically ran to the front of the church and the pastor took my hand and asked me some questions about my decision. I tried to answer him, but I was choking on tears and just nodded my head. That day something changed inside of me. I was no longer alone and no longer lonely. Something wonderful came into my life and it would grow over the years until I became a brand new person. Someone with a sense of humor, self-cofidence, and courage. I became more outgoing and friendly and yet there was a quiet place in my heart that only I had access to. It was a private place filled with peace and prayer. I would go there when I had problems, or just to feel at peace. A place of refuge. A place of peace and love.
This experience would never leave me and I hope someday you yourself will find this wonderful peace in your heart. Right now you are so young and innocent. You don't know how very mean people can be, and you don't know about all the hate and conflict the world can bring to you. So I want to be a good example for you to follow and that's part of the reason why our home is so peaceful and why when you are here you feel like you are in a happy place.
The Bible means a lot to me. I have read a lot of it and I have a very personal and good relationship with my creator. That's why I always talk to you so much about God. I want you to appreciate life and all it's many wonders. God created the universe and you are a part of the universe. All things were created for us to love and enjoy. We should be very thankful for the earth that we live in, the beautiful starlit sky, the moon, the sun, the wind and rain, all the people in the world who we love and who loves us in return. The earth provides the food we eat, and if we eat properly, the food we eat strengthens us and nurtures our bodies. Sometimes we overeat and then we get fat. Like Grandma. But there are many reasons why we overeat, and those problems usually occur in our minds, in our personalities and the answer to those problems is hard to find. We all like good food. Sometimes people make fun of us and that hurts because people don't understand why we do it. So they make fun, rather than try to understand us. But Jesus isn't like that. He wants to help us with all our problems and he would never make fun of us. He is one of the best friends you could ever have. So I want you to have that friendship in your life, and this little entry is to bring some things to your attention.
When you make fun of one another and call each other names, you aren't thinking properly about who your brother's and sister's are. God made your sister and your brother, just like he made you. You didn't create your brother or sister and you don't have the right to call each other names, and say "You are fat", or "You are stupid". I want very much to see you all get along. My brother was very mean to me, and he was never corrected for his behavior. So when I grew up he and I wern't close. My sister is 10 years younger than me, so when I was 18 years old and left home, she was only 8 years old and we were never close either. So for all intents and purposes I was an only child. I want very much to have the love of my sister and brother, but it's too late. They don't want to know me or be a part of my life, so I was very much on my own growing up.
But you are all close in age, except for Kris. Kris is still a baby in many ways. And I am sure you are all very protective and understanding of him. But you need to understand each other also and if you go to church but never practice what you learn, what are you going for? If you treat other's with kindness and respect, you will get kindness and respect in return.
When I was working outside the home, I had many opportunities to witness to other people about the love of God by being kind to others. It's really not that difficult. When people buy you things, it's polite to say thank you, but if you don't take care of things people give you, you are in effect saying that that person's sacrifice and gift to you mean nothing. There is so much to learn about life and behavior. People are very complex. They all have brains that work differently, but almost everyone responds to kindness. It makes you feel good to be kind to others. It's a 2-fold blessing. You make them feel good, and you feel good about yourself. The easiest way to think about God, is the simple statement in the Bible that God is Love. If you love someone, you have experienced God. Guess who you are embracing when you hate someone? The worst possible choice you can make in life is to HATE anyone! Just as there is a God who is pure love, there also is the opposite, the devil who makes you hate people. When you are mean to each other, guess who you are pleasing! And it's not God!
There are commandments in the Bible that we should all follow. The commandment in the Bible for children is: "Honor your Father and your Mother"
which means to respect and love your parents and do what they tell you to do without griping about it, or throwing yourself down and sighing. Your Mom should not have to tell you to keep your room clean. Your Nana and Nano bought a very nice home that you live in. You even have your own pool. It's only right that you take care of your room and your clothes and toys and I-Pods and TV's and all the things they buy you. Take care of them and appreciate them and thank them for all they have done for you. They may not spend a lot of time with you and I don't want you to think that money is the most important thing in the world. But you can respect your grandparents for all they try to do for you. They, in their own way, love you. So do Grandpa and Grandma. We love you tremendously and even if we don't have a lot of money, we give you our love and our time and we feed you good food and let you play and enjoy yourselves when you are here. So I want you to realize you have a lot of love in your lives and you are very lucky. There are children in this world who go to bed hungry every night. They don't have nice houses and they don't have TV's to watch or X-boxes or video games. They have very little and they would love to trade places with you. So I want you to be grateful for what you have and appreciate and love the people in your lives. I want you to be happy, productive, sensible, and loving people when you grow up and it is partially my responsibility to train you when you need it, and to give you my love, which means I want to give you good advice that will ensure that you are the best people you can be when you do grow up.
So I just wanted to make a few things clear to you when I tell you about life and love and God and people. You are getting old enough to understand what I am telling you. So listen, and do the right things in life and you will be a happy and contented person, because you will be at peace with yourself. I will close this little section and hope that you all read and heed what it tells you. Love is the basis for a happy life. The more love you give from your heart, the more love can come in a fill your heart after you are good to others. I want to spare you a lot of heartache. I don't want you to suffer. Because I love you.
Grandma
When I was 12 years old, one Sunday morning the Sermon was about the friendship we could experience with Christ. When the pastor finished his Sermon, he always gave an invitation for anyone who wanted to, to accept Christ as their Savior. He asked if there was anyone there that day that wanted Jesus as their friend. To always be there for us, guide us, and be interested in our lives. My heart started pounding and I felt like I wanted to cry, and I thought about all the loneliness in my life, and how miserable my situation at home was. I decided that if anyone needed a true friend, it was me. So I walked and practically ran to the front of the church and the pastor took my hand and asked me some questions about my decision. I tried to answer him, but I was choking on tears and just nodded my head. That day something changed inside of me. I was no longer alone and no longer lonely. Something wonderful came into my life and it would grow over the years until I became a brand new person. Someone with a sense of humor, self-cofidence, and courage. I became more outgoing and friendly and yet there was a quiet place in my heart that only I had access to. It was a private place filled with peace and prayer. I would go there when I had problems, or just to feel at peace. A place of refuge. A place of peace and love.
This experience would never leave me and I hope someday you yourself will find this wonderful peace in your heart. Right now you are so young and innocent. You don't know how very mean people can be, and you don't know about all the hate and conflict the world can bring to you. So I want to be a good example for you to follow and that's part of the reason why our home is so peaceful and why when you are here you feel like you are in a happy place.
The Bible means a lot to me. I have read a lot of it and I have a very personal and good relationship with my creator. That's why I always talk to you so much about God. I want you to appreciate life and all it's many wonders. God created the universe and you are a part of the universe. All things were created for us to love and enjoy. We should be very thankful for the earth that we live in, the beautiful starlit sky, the moon, the sun, the wind and rain, all the people in the world who we love and who loves us in return. The earth provides the food we eat, and if we eat properly, the food we eat strengthens us and nurtures our bodies. Sometimes we overeat and then we get fat. Like Grandma. But there are many reasons why we overeat, and those problems usually occur in our minds, in our personalities and the answer to those problems is hard to find. We all like good food. Sometimes people make fun of us and that hurts because people don't understand why we do it. So they make fun, rather than try to understand us. But Jesus isn't like that. He wants to help us with all our problems and he would never make fun of us. He is one of the best friends you could ever have. So I want you to have that friendship in your life, and this little entry is to bring some things to your attention.
When you make fun of one another and call each other names, you aren't thinking properly about who your brother's and sister's are. God made your sister and your brother, just like he made you. You didn't create your brother or sister and you don't have the right to call each other names, and say "You are fat", or "You are stupid". I want very much to see you all get along. My brother was very mean to me, and he was never corrected for his behavior. So when I grew up he and I wern't close. My sister is 10 years younger than me, so when I was 18 years old and left home, she was only 8 years old and we were never close either. So for all intents and purposes I was an only child. I want very much to have the love of my sister and brother, but it's too late. They don't want to know me or be a part of my life, so I was very much on my own growing up.
But you are all close in age, except for Kris. Kris is still a baby in many ways. And I am sure you are all very protective and understanding of him. But you need to understand each other also and if you go to church but never practice what you learn, what are you going for? If you treat other's with kindness and respect, you will get kindness and respect in return.
When I was working outside the home, I had many opportunities to witness to other people about the love of God by being kind to others. It's really not that difficult. When people buy you things, it's polite to say thank you, but if you don't take care of things people give you, you are in effect saying that that person's sacrifice and gift to you mean nothing. There is so much to learn about life and behavior. People are very complex. They all have brains that work differently, but almost everyone responds to kindness. It makes you feel good to be kind to others. It's a 2-fold blessing. You make them feel good, and you feel good about yourself. The easiest way to think about God, is the simple statement in the Bible that God is Love. If you love someone, you have experienced God. Guess who you are embracing when you hate someone? The worst possible choice you can make in life is to HATE anyone! Just as there is a God who is pure love, there also is the opposite, the devil who makes you hate people. When you are mean to each other, guess who you are pleasing! And it's not God!
There are commandments in the Bible that we should all follow. The commandment in the Bible for children is: "Honor your Father and your Mother"
which means to respect and love your parents and do what they tell you to do without griping about it, or throwing yourself down and sighing. Your Mom should not have to tell you to keep your room clean. Your Nana and Nano bought a very nice home that you live in. You even have your own pool. It's only right that you take care of your room and your clothes and toys and I-Pods and TV's and all the things they buy you. Take care of them and appreciate them and thank them for all they have done for you. They may not spend a lot of time with you and I don't want you to think that money is the most important thing in the world. But you can respect your grandparents for all they try to do for you. They, in their own way, love you. So do Grandpa and Grandma. We love you tremendously and even if we don't have a lot of money, we give you our love and our time and we feed you good food and let you play and enjoy yourselves when you are here. So I want you to realize you have a lot of love in your lives and you are very lucky. There are children in this world who go to bed hungry every night. They don't have nice houses and they don't have TV's to watch or X-boxes or video games. They have very little and they would love to trade places with you. So I want you to be grateful for what you have and appreciate and love the people in your lives. I want you to be happy, productive, sensible, and loving people when you grow up and it is partially my responsibility to train you when you need it, and to give you my love, which means I want to give you good advice that will ensure that you are the best people you can be when you do grow up.
So I just wanted to make a few things clear to you when I tell you about life and love and God and people. You are getting old enough to understand what I am telling you. So listen, and do the right things in life and you will be a happy and contented person, because you will be at peace with yourself. I will close this little section and hope that you all read and heed what it tells you. Love is the basis for a happy life. The more love you give from your heart, the more love can come in a fill your heart after you are good to others. I want to spare you a lot of heartache. I don't want you to suffer. Because I love you.
Grandma
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